Monday, June 08, 2009


So... I had a good laugh when my fellow bloggers posted their Starbucks horror stories. You know, the stories where one suffers in line as the tremendously stupid/arrogant/rude/self-absorbed/all-of-the-above person takes an ice-age to order a coffee. Hahahahaha HAH, it was all very funny when it was happening to someone else!

So... Today I was standing in line for a dose of pre-exam (aka post all-nighter) grease-bombs, and to my horror I hear something like this: "I'll have a double mocha meltdown, triple expresso, quadruple shot of hazelnut, vanilla, cappuccino. On ice, but still piping hot. With no creamer, because its all artificial and stuff, and I drive a hybrid SUV. It gets 15 miles to the gallon instead of 6. I'm so totally green."

At first I thought I was suffering from post-all-nighter-fatigue. (I'm not as young as I used to be) Then blearily I peered around. I saw a sign that said McCafe, and a whole row of coffee fixins, and the bleach blond bimbo who ordered it. No this couldn't be a dream. If it was one of my dreams it wouldn't have been a McCafe, but something crazy like a McDope which vended McMeth(amphetamines) now brewed with Genuine NyQuil Brand Cough Syrup. And there wouldn't have been a bleach blond, I only dream about redheads (well a particular redhead that is). So this definitely wasn't a dream. The next thought to cross my mind was.....


I decided to stick it out. Yes, I know its stupid to pay for lard laden food that will give me cancer, obesity, high blood pressure, prostate pulsations, colon clusters and ED. I know it is even more obscenely stupid to stand in line behind a Bleach-Blond-Bimbo ordering Coffee like she is Sarah Jessica Parker from Sex In The City.

"It can't get any worse than this," I tell myself, "the worst is over, she's ordered and soon I'll have my dollar-menu hash-browns and biscuits and I'll be out of here." But the worst wasn't over. Not even close.

Bleach-Blond-Bimbo: "So, did I get it right? Isn't that, like, totally, Sarah Jessica Parker's favorite coffee in Sex In The City?"

Underpaid Cashier: "Uh... I guess it depends on the season."

BBB: *smacks forehead* "DUH, I totally forgot. I totally meant season five."

UC: "Uh... I think you got it mostly right, but I don't think piping hot coffee can be on the rocks. Uh... I think you got the winter version and the summer version mixed up."

BBB: *looks confused, the confusion so thick you can see it through the back of a huge hair-sprayed coif of hair* "errr... I can't remember, stop making me think so hard, like my head feels like it will literally (said lit-really) explode."

UC: *looks worried that her head really will explode and the stupid will rub off* "Uh... so that will be one Season Five. Uh... Cold or Hot?"

BBB: "I think I want a season Three now."

UC: "Uh.... a black, triple raspberry, crushed ice, triple creamer, hold the coffee?"

BBB: "Yah..."

UC: *Looking worried again* "Uh... we don't sell McFlurries during breakfast."


UC: *Positively terrified now* "Uh.... howabout a season 4?"

BBB: "A vanilla, expresso, with a double shot of cashier saliva, poured over the grindings, shaken not stirred?"

UC: "Uh... That's the one."

BBB: "Oooh, sounds good, that might be my new favorite."

UC: "Uh... that will be $15.34"


I finally got my hash-browns, but what I want to know is, Who's confounded idea was it to make a McDonald's into a Starbucks? That's the last time I hit a McDonald's before 7:00 AM, at least until the over-complicated-over-priced-coffee craze is over, or until my next all-nighter.


Tug said...

This is why I stick to least then I can crank my music while the car in front of me is ordering. ;-)

Hoosier Girl said...

All I know is, every McD's in the metro Louisville area has a staff that is NOT smart enough to make designer coffee. They get it wrong every single time. I have given up and stick to iced coffee - they somehow seem to be able to do that: pour coffee over ice. Easy.

My son works at a Starbucks and he has TONS of stories.

May your sleep return and your hash browns be hot.

Big Sister said...

Good Grief,
I could tell you some stories as well but mine are mainly copy shop based. Although if you say it fast copy shop sounds like coffee shop.

Nobody™ said...

I don't get the fancy coffee thing, but then I don't drink coffee anyway. McDonalds is for burgers and fries, not coffee.

Sans Pantaloons said...

We are all dommed...